Reflecting

So I have hd this pregnancy countdown app now on my phone for the last 28 or so weeks..shoot maybe even longer. I'm not going to lie being die in April had been worrying me most of the time. This April 9th marks 3 years since I gave birth to matthew who wasn't able to love (only being 20 weeks gestation) and he is now with Heavenly Father and my family members in Heaven. Last year I found out I was pregnant about the 13th or April and not even a week later it didn't take and I had a quick miscarriage. So when I found out I was pregnant and die in April I was so skeptical. But through the ability to recover priesthood blessings and prayers and lots of extra medical appointments to help calm my nerves we have made it to the final days of counting down. 

19,days or less is crazy to think about.  "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

James 1:17 

This verse ha been sticking out to me for sure over the course of this pregnancy. I am so beyond blessed. I know my husband feels the same way. He is so excited to have our second son in the way. 

Being LDS we believe families are forever and we can all be sealed to our family members. Even our first little guy Matthew. So I have to say at church is the one place where I have felt so comfortable when people ask me "how many kids do you have? Is this your first child?" And I can firmly answer this is my second child but our first is in Heaven. 

Hello world!

Been keeping busy lately with all things baby preparation. It's been a crazy blessing of a journey. Having the ability to get blessings and prayers has kept us humble and thanking Heavenly Father  continuously. I do feel bad though because I've honestly put up major walls with some friends and just not reached out to many. It has been nothing personal I have just been so nervous to do too much or have any crazy stress while pregnant. Some also still don't get why I changed my faith. And with limited patience while pregnant I avoid the religion n talk at times. Which for me is crazy. I love sharing my story and my faith. It's shaped who I am and who I want to be. I can not wait to have my son blessed at our Ward. (Specific church location) my grandpa is still a little confused as to why I keep telling him it's a blessing and not a baptism. He is a Roman Catholic. Which was the religion I was apart of most of my life. However I never grasped why I had to believe in original sin. Why are babies born sinners for Adam's mistake? My grandpa was gracious enough to listen to me and my thoughts. When I lost Matthew I was so worried in the hospital about getting a priest there to baptize him and give him his last rights. I was so worried about him getting into Heaven. I kind of chuckle now because there is no way Heavenly Father would send one of his children to me (and my amazing husband) and then have a tragedy happen and not accept him into Heaven. If anything ever happened to Seth I won't have to run around worrying about one last thing to do. He is automatically going to be with our Heavenly Father and his big brother.  Families can truly be together forever. My grandpa has his mother alive still while great grandpa passed about 6 years ago.  Grandpa has asked me how soon after his mom passes can she and my great grandpa be sealed together. This was so incredible to hear.  While not a member of our church he values the importance of these heavenly promises. 

I have about 28 days left until I will be induced at 39 weeks of pregnancy. I honestly didn't know if I would be able to have more children after losing Matthew. Not simply biologically but more so emotionally. Then last year I had a miscarriage. Albeit quick and painless compared to birthing a son who you know won't survive...it's possible that for the first time in three years the month of April can be giving us something positive ..our second son. Minds m of a funny story I will share.. Andrew and I were talking about how important it is to share with Seth about his older brother Matthew. And when asked how many siblings he hd he can chose his own answer. He can chose to include him in family drawings or just in conversations. My lovely husband...who if you ever met him you would know he is very quiet but when he speaks he is the smartest person and says the funniest things at times because well he just us a great sense of humor. He was worried about official forms that Seth will have to fill out. So I asked what he meant...he said well when Seth goes to college in Fall of 2033 he will need to fill out a FAFSA form.( it's basically for financial aide for college in order to get government help) I bust out laughing because my very analytical husband knew that on this form Matthews existence could not really count and he was worried about how we would all feel knowing this. I just smiled and said I would be totally fine. And I know in my heart I will be. Even is Seth never feels comfortable sharing to others and teachers about his angel in Heaven (because we all know the stigma miscarriage and stillbirth has) then that's his choice. But we as parents will know and honor him any way we can.