Catching up

So first I want to apologize for not being present over the last few months. I am not even sure I still have those who read my thoughts. But I have been wanting to get them out for a while now.  See back in late March life began to change for me. My papa (grandpa) fell at his assisted living and had to go to the hospital. He ended up falling on his face and cutting his nose pretty bad. It was in the morning around 2 am or so when he was half awake from the couch to his room. Since they did not know fully if he was just groggy and lost balance or what caused it they ran some tests. We then found out his heart hat about 20 % function. And his kidneys were on the way out as well. We knew these were week over the years as he was a diabetic and did not always take care of himself when it came to that. For those that have met him and knew him the best example of this would be his phrase " I don't care if I do die..do die..do die." This phrase often came when eyeing dessert. :)
Papa then began his stay in the hospital and then a rehab and finally the nursing home to hospice home. Things happened quick from March to May 10th when he ultimately passed away and was reunited with Heavenly Father and his wife. Sunday after church visits became different too as we heard the annoying beeps of monitors and people checking in on him often. Weekly visits after church turned into taking shorter lunches so I could get up to the hospital to be with him.
Seth was always close by and still trying to show Papa a good time. He would enjoy pushing him in the wheelchair around the lobby or would sometimes bring a game for him to play.
Once he passed I changed. My faith was challenged more then it has been in years. See even though I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Sa---ints and I know all about the plan of Salvation and families being together forever... I was empty. I lost someone who I would call when needing advice or just needing to hear their voice. My son lost his friend and did not understand why after church we just go home now instead of seeing Papa. I was broken. I am broken.
I was angry with Heavenly Father. I wanted more time. I selfishly wanted more years. Seth just turned 4 and had such a great relationship with him. Since his passing my son has prayed for my papa and that he is enjoying his time in Heaven. I mean after hearing that for weeks on end I can not help but to sit back and think that he is truly in a better place.  I have to be honest I had stopped praying for a while. I even stopped reading scriptures and I hated church.
Then a miracle happened and started to change things for me. See years ago when I was married to Seth's dad we struggled with infertility and loss. So to combat the empty nest we became Respite care Foster Parents. Basically short term weekend parents who gave others a break when needed and we were trained and trusted to take care of the different kids in the system. Well months ago Jeffrey and I started the process and two days before our wedding anniversary back in July we were called about a child in need of a home. This child has added so much into our home and hearts. He attends church with us and has shown a big interest in learning about the church. So each night we have been reading scriptures and praying. Something I do not know I would have done on my own any time soon if it was not for the push of this little boy. He enjoys the songs in Primary and it is making me learn them too as Seth will be getting to know them over the next few years and I want to be able to sing them with the kids. Being a convert almost 6 years ago I did not go through the primary program so I have felt at a big disadvantage at times not knowing the words to the songs.
SO basically the point is...Even in the darkest times to try and look for something good.  Look for the little moments of good. Even though I still burst into tears when missing my papa, I know he has sent this child to us. To have us grow our family in a way and to help me get my faith to where I want and need it to be. My papa was the one who gave me my faith in Christ.

A letter to my husband

You may be wondering why you are reading this with a title like that. This is for anyone that thought marriage would be perfect and rainbows. It is not. It is work. Hard work. You need to still date when married. But how do you do that with children, jobs, church duties and still trying to maintain friendships with others as well? Well I do not have the answer as I am on my second marriage and my poor husband now married someone with a child. So dates are even few and far between. Time together is harder to get just the two of us. We each have big callings in the church, and I am a firefighter as well. So when the tones drop I need to leave and help my community.
However the support of one another is what pushes us through. Its those heart to hearts as we lay down for the night that rekindle the fire. It keeps the love alive.
I am blessed to have my husband in my life. So if you are reading this hope it helps add a log to the fire of our love. Sorry for the cheesy fire analogies, guess it happens with me being a firefighter. Also this Sundays lesson during Relief Society we talked about the 2018 General Conference talk by Elder Gong. Where he is invited to paint watercolor with his friend. It was a campfire scene and that talk has been on my heart.

The talk had his friend setting him up for success when it came to learning how to paint watercolor. Setting up for a successful marriage is crucial too. Realizing in our faith that we truly believe in eternal marriage is important. I often have anxiety and with me being divorced I always feel like I could be left again. So I build the wall. I put up the barricade and try to make it so it will not hurt me. However it is honestly hurting the person I love most. So I am going to the temple Friday. To pray and be better. To start listening to the spirit rather then the adversary. I need to learn to listen to the positive.
 This is why our prophet has focused on church at home so much. At least in my eyes. We are the keeper's of our homes and our hearts.So I am trying to do better. Not only for myself but to my husband who deserves the very best in the world.

Happy Halloween

I mean look at the picture below... Does it get any cuter than him?! 



I know I am totally bias. But dozens at my ward's trunk or treat even thought he stole the show. My husband and I even dressed as Jim and Pam from the Office as well to compliment my little Dwight Schrute.  It made my love of the Office even stronger. My husband appeals to my inner fan and on our first date we drove to Niagara Falls where we went on the Maid of the Mist. For those who are not die hard fans of this now completed series.. I will fill you in. Jim and Pam got married in Niagara Falls , and well everything was going wrong with their wedding day. So the couple went on the Maid of the Mist and asked the captain of the ship to marry them on the boat. 
"Jim: I bought those tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her. "

Don't mind me here just swooning over the cheesy show and love story. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween. 

Carrying Hate

It has been a while since I have posted, so I thought I would catch up a little bit. My son is now 3 1/2 and is loving learning more about the world.


He loves the firehouse which is perfect because both myself and his dad(my ex husband) are firefighters in two different towns. So this kid is used to fire pagers and tones going off. He loves checking out the fire trucks and carrying hose. My chief is ready for him to join one day when he gets older and has said they will even let him run sirens. To cute right.

Recently my papa(Grandpa) turned 80 and I collected 80 cards from all over the world for him. I actually got closer to 90 or so cards but it just shows the love people have for others.


He is a very special guy and had been battling with Alzheimer's. Which for him is worse then any illness one could have as he has always been my go to for history advice or news in the world etc. Basically my google before google was a thing.

So now we will get into why I titled this post the way I had.  At my papa's surprise party we had family and friends from all over come. I even had my ex husband and his new girlfriend come. My ex Andrew and I have known one another for 10 years and well my papa still asks about him and wonders how he is. So they came as a favor for me and I know some people thought it was a little strange. But when adults can set grudges or judgements aside the outcome is incredible.



You get parents who understand that when they created that baby, their lives became about making sure that child has the best life, despite what happens to the biological parents. I am blessed to coparent with my ex so well. It is rare but should not be.
My son has such a big family that loves him and works to make sure he is happy and memories are created all around. I have a husband who gets along with my ex and they can have civil conversations that are not fake or forced. I get along with my Ex's girlfriend and when I call my ex for our son to talk to him I ask if she is there so I can say hi too. Why? Because I am an adult who can put the past behind me and know it is worth it for my son to see good parents getting along.

Heavenly Father said 'Love thy Neighbor". A friend recently shared this photo:
 And it could not be more true. Love everyone. Treat EVERYONE with respect. Let the hate in your heart go. Especially if you have been holding onto it for years. You are making yourself worse.

Remembering 9/11

So I did not want to overwhelm my poor facebook friends yesterday with my billion posts on the topic and first responders that day etc. But this is my safe place. The place where I can our my heart out and well I do not care who reads it. If you follow my posts you will see I joined my fire department recently and am in classes for more training. Well yesterday hit me harder then most years. Sure it is a tough day for me normally as I can picture exactly where I was on that day. (th grade history class. How fitting for a historical tragedy. The first attack like this on the interlocking states. ( Pearl Harbor was another huge attack but on the Island of Hawaii) This year all I could think about was the 343 firefighters who gave their all. Literally, gave their lives.


"This picture is a very symbolic one. It shows six firefighters on Ladder 118 coming over the Brooklyn Bridge for their last ride.

These men saw what was in front of them, knew what they were getting into, and they still went. They still went to try to save as many as they could.

All six gentleman on Ladder 118 died that day. This photo represents what the Fire Service is all about, the service and protection of others. .. Trial by Fire" Caption from a picture on facebook I shared. I take no credit for the exact wording. 

I aspire to be the one who runs in while others are running out of the building. 

343 Remembrance  Please feel free to learn more about these heroes with the link.

I know Heavenly Father welcomes them all with open arms.

Taken Back

Do you ever wonder why you do something? Like were you called to be a teacher? Perhaps a nurse, mechanic, accountant, or a first responder.

I have been with my local fire department now for nearly 6 months and I love it. It pushes me beyond what I know. I have been taking a class too these past few months in which I have learned building construction, knots, fire growth, and patterns, how to tell where a fire starts, community prevention programs, hose handling, ladder hoisting and SO much more. I mean this barely scratches the surface in my fire career. I am planning on going to the next class and do interior firefighting. Why am I sharing? Maybe to be more accountable. I have had some crazy comments when people find out I am a volunteer firefighter. " But you are a mom." " Wait you? Why would you risk your life?" The best ones are those in support. The ones shocked at how well my husband supports me. That he is always encouraging me to push forward and tells me he loves me as I run out the door and turn on the blue light in my car and drive to a call.

Now I want to move into why I do it. My instructor said one of his most remembered call was with the Fairport Five. If you do not know the story it is basically 5 incredible girls who just graduated high school from Fairport and were driving to a lake house to celebrate. They tried to pass a van and when getting back into the lane over corrected and hit a tractor trailer. There have been rumors of linking to texting while driving as well. While I was not there and was not at the scene of this. I knew some of the girls. One in particular, Katie was an only child. She was in my gym class when I was a senior and I remember her just lighting up the gym with her smile. She was friendly to everyone and it didn't matter what group you fell into. To have this incident have occured in the town I ended up moving too and wanting to give back in almost makes it come full circle for me.

My mom and siblings also experienced a house fire when I was in college. My poor siblings lost so much that day. Their room was right next to the bathroom where the fire had started and the damage was great. The firefighters that responded were incredible and even had my brother and sisters baby blankets cleaned professionally and saved. They still have those at 16 and 17 years of age. A piece of their childhood was saved.

I became a firefighter because I had bought my first home and wanted to set down roots. I wanted to learn the streets, and meet the people in my town. I wanted my son to see that even his 5'2 mom could pull herself up into the truck with the guys and be apart of a team. I always loved being on a team, whether it was soccer growing up of rugby. And now to be apart of a team that protects the community is pretty incredible.

The fire department has led me to meet incredible people. They also see my faith and how I stand out. I don't drink, or smoke, I don't drink coffee ( I also do not drink caffeine but that was my own choice.) And well I was told I stick out in such a positive way.  My cousin even said today that she needed prayers and even though she prayed for something she knew mine would just work because of the relationship I have with Heavenly Father. I then asked her who was cutting onions as I was suddenly crying. Hello hormones!


I need to hear these things this week. 3 years ago my first husband asked me to leave and wanted a divorce. While everything has worked out in the end. ( Meaning he is a great coparent, his new girlfriend is nice, and I married a fantastic supportive man) You never go into a marriage hoping for a divorce. Hearing the words " I don't love you anymore" are crippling. But you know what?
There is someone who will never ever say that. Even if you turn your back on him. Even when you do not believe in yourself. And that is Heavenly Father. He knows the amount of hairs on your head and knows you by name. He knows your true heart.

He has this great plan for each of us. His plan lead me to Jeffrey in Utah. His plan led me to 2 1/2 years of infertility with the gift being my son. (Yes this is a positive) He led me to the fire department and the community I live in. And he led me to write this out.
I testify that what I believe is true, and that the church I belong too (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) is true as well. The people stand out among the crowd.

I stand out among others for my faith.

Little Sponges

Hello everyone!

I have been apart of my local fire department since March now and I am in the thick of classes for my skills and knowledge. So I often spend a lot of time at the firehouse or training in the evenings. The other day when I pulled in the driveway with my 3 year old he wanted to go to the firehouse and see the trucks. I was able to even snag a picture with him in my helmet. 

I mean how cute is he?!!   He is soaking it all in. He knows his mom is a firefighter and tells his friends about it at school. Something he also shares with others is talking about Jesus and having our bread and water. (Sacrament) He was so excited to tell my papa (his great grandfather) all about it after church on Sunday. 

He is a sponge. He is learning more and more each minute. So as a parent are we teaching them in the best way we can? Are we sharing the gospel with them? Are we sharing church music and love for others with them? How about showing them what service is?

These are all some things I can work on improving as well. No one is perfect but why not make it a goal of mine and yours as well to add these into our routines. 

Heavenly Father is our first teacher. He sent his only begotten son to love us and teach us. Let us all try to learn by this example and help others.