Catching up

So first I want to apologize for not being present over the last few months. I am not even sure I still have those who read my thoughts. But I have been wanting to get them out for a while now.  See back in late March life began to change for me. My papa (grandpa) fell at his assisted living and had to go to the hospital. He ended up falling on his face and cutting his nose pretty bad. It was in the morning around 2 am or so when he was half awake from the couch to his room. Since they did not know fully if he was just groggy and lost balance or what caused it they ran some tests. We then found out his heart hat about 20 % function. And his kidneys were on the way out as well. We knew these were week over the years as he was a diabetic and did not always take care of himself when it came to that. For those that have met him and knew him the best example of this would be his phrase " I don't care if I do die..do die..do die." This phrase often came when eyeing dessert. :)
Papa then began his stay in the hospital and then a rehab and finally the nursing home to hospice home. Things happened quick from March to May 10th when he ultimately passed away and was reunited with Heavenly Father and his wife. Sunday after church visits became different too as we heard the annoying beeps of monitors and people checking in on him often. Weekly visits after church turned into taking shorter lunches so I could get up to the hospital to be with him.
Seth was always close by and still trying to show Papa a good time. He would enjoy pushing him in the wheelchair around the lobby or would sometimes bring a game for him to play.
Once he passed I changed. My faith was challenged more then it has been in years. See even though I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Sa---ints and I know all about the plan of Salvation and families being together forever... I was empty. I lost someone who I would call when needing advice or just needing to hear their voice. My son lost his friend and did not understand why after church we just go home now instead of seeing Papa. I was broken. I am broken.
I was angry with Heavenly Father. I wanted more time. I selfishly wanted more years. Seth just turned 4 and had such a great relationship with him. Since his passing my son has prayed for my papa and that he is enjoying his time in Heaven. I mean after hearing that for weeks on end I can not help but to sit back and think that he is truly in a better place.  I have to be honest I had stopped praying for a while. I even stopped reading scriptures and I hated church.
Then a miracle happened and started to change things for me. See years ago when I was married to Seth's dad we struggled with infertility and loss. So to combat the empty nest we became Respite care Foster Parents. Basically short term weekend parents who gave others a break when needed and we were trained and trusted to take care of the different kids in the system. Well months ago Jeffrey and I started the process and two days before our wedding anniversary back in July we were called about a child in need of a home. This child has added so much into our home and hearts. He attends church with us and has shown a big interest in learning about the church. So each night we have been reading scriptures and praying. Something I do not know I would have done on my own any time soon if it was not for the push of this little boy. He enjoys the songs in Primary and it is making me learn them too as Seth will be getting to know them over the next few years and I want to be able to sing them with the kids. Being a convert almost 6 years ago I did not go through the primary program so I have felt at a big disadvantage at times not knowing the words to the songs.
SO basically the point is...Even in the darkest times to try and look for something good.  Look for the little moments of good. Even though I still burst into tears when missing my papa, I know he has sent this child to us. To have us grow our family in a way and to help me get my faith to where I want and need it to be. My papa was the one who gave me my faith in Christ.